Check up

So I have decided today that I just need to go to OSU for appointments. I have even put healing hearts aside because I feel very let down by the lack of patient care. There 8s not one person on this planet that has not in one way or another sinned. How big or small, not one.

I can not be subject to judgemental looks or comments when going to the Ross heart hospital. This has been the most controversial thing that has ever happened to me. At a time when i am supposed to be focused on living i fall very easily into deep depression. I have many times thought of ending it all because i can not handle anything.

My memory is terrible, not because of age but things have just been erased and it frightens me.

My son needs me but does he really?

He has matured so quickly and grown up because of watching me fight to live. He has also seen the troubled side and the sinner side.

My donor didnt donated their heart for me to throw it away but they allowed me to still make my own decisions. 

My wife would probably fall a part but I feel nothing but a burden to her now.

Sometimes I feel more lost than ever and that's what scares me about death, whether I will feel this way for ever.

I have chronic kidney disease, I have brain issues, so many other things and I'm tired. Mentally and physically. 

I wish I had the answers and I wish I didn't always feel so low.

I can feel so angry 2 hours ago and write stuff then not remember even saying , thinking, or writing anything. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.