Check up

So I have decided today that I just need to go to OSU for appointments. I have even put healing hearts aside because I feel very let down by the lack of patient care. There 8s not one person on this planet that has not in one way or another sinned. How big or small, not one.

I can not be subject to judgemental looks or comments when going to the Ross heart hospital. This has been the most controversial thing that has ever happened to me. At a time when i am supposed to be focused on living i fall very easily into deep depression. I have many times thought of ending it all because i can not handle anything.

My memory is terrible, not because of age but things have just been erased and it frightens me.

My son needs me but does he really?

He has matured so quickly and grown up because of watching me fight to live. He has also seen the troubled side and the sinner side.

My donor didnt donated their heart for me to throw it away but they allowed me to still make my own decisions. 

My wife would probably fall a part but I feel nothing but a burden to her now.

Sometimes I feel more lost than ever and that's what scares me about death, whether I will feel this way for ever.

I have chronic kidney disease, I have brain issues, so many other things and I'm tired. Mentally and physically. 

I wish I had the answers and I wish I didn't always feel so low.

I can feel so angry 2 hours ago and write stuff then not remember even saying , thinking, or writing anything. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Rough

So I keep getting there and being knocked back down. 

It's like I cant move on without another wall. The starvation of my brain over the years is and has been overlooked and now is haunting me. Another day brings much drama but I hide it.

Monday Monday Monday...!

What can i say about Monday so far. Not a lot. Death and depression.  I hope Tuesday is better. Cardio and then meetings. Oh and signing up for LiveStrong.

Sick of feeling like other people are better than me. We are all humans and we should treat each other in a better way. Be honest and be real. 

There's always good news then followed by bad. Welcome to my world day uhhmmm lost count. Peace. 

Sunday

Headaches, depression, anxiety, thats my sunday!

Tomorrow i am going to start cardio, talk to kids and be me. The me i was and who i really am. 

https://soundcloud.com/dillonfrancis/without-you

RiP Keith Flint

Many of you don't know this about me, but from the age of 15 i would mix music using tape decks, splicing tracks into tracks.  Then I progressed to sampling, then I left school and began saving for a mixer and a pair of Technic 1200s. These were an absolute fortune in those days but i worked my arse off to finally get them. 

My bedroom at home was full of vinyl records. I was part of the house/techno, garage, rave and electro scene. We understood the Prodigy and Keith was and still is a legend and hero in my music mixing days. One of my biggest regrets still to this day was not following my mixing, producing dj career but you just never know whats round the corner. Like a good friend told me, dont look to far ahead!
My brother even done some work on the Bands brand new Grand Cherokees which in England at that time were very American and cool. Everything on them were black and mysterious.
So i just watched this ITV news headline and it broke my heart to see that we were the same age. Another fact that probably none of you know and maybe its now a time to open up, is through this last 7 years I have hit rock bottom. And now as I get a second chance even with a new heart, you may not understand. It's easy to smile but inside the passion for life sometimes becomes just a flickering flame.

I have many many more challenges ahead of me and the strange realization of this story is that there are people from all walks of life that suffer from hitting rock bottom.
I am nearly done with my steroids that makes me very angry and irritable. Friday was my first psychologist appointment and my brain, thoughts and reasoning even scare me. 

To all those that I've been mean too, angry too, verbally abusive and just outright disgusting, I am so sorry. I am ashamed of myself and find it hard to understand why things happen. I love being funny,  making people laugh and making a difference in lives. People take me the wrong way sometimes. My psychologist made me realise a lot of things and told me off for many of my actions. I can't stop my brain from running at a million miles an hour. Hopefully the tools she's teaching me will help me in everyway possible.
This isn't the end but I am one of so many that never really show how bad it is.
At 50 i still remix music on my laptop, i love that Josh is musical and honestly age is nothing if it takes me back to what i loved.
Rest in Paradise Keith Flint and thank you for shaping my music experice in the 90s.
And i will admit, I cried and then just cried again as the date 1969 to 2019 came up on the screen. Heaven is going to be one crazy place this weekend.  First ever rave party in the clouds. Like my mum used to say, "Mark keep the noise down."
And to this day, the Prodigy is on my playlist.

Also 31 years ago i lost my own father. I hope he can help me on my next bunch of health issues. He passed away of colon cancer and i now take rejection medicine i am more prone to this cancer disease than ever before. 

As i write this i got another test result about another infection i have, if i dont watch out out and slip up i could go blind.  Go figure. 😷

Report on Keith Flint death click on the left link to see what was reported. 

Our presentation is on all the osu screens throughout the hospital.