August ends

So I am cancer free for 3 years now. Had a scare a while back but all clear.

My heart is perfect is absolutely perfect.

Kidneys are stable.

Back into the gym tomorrow and start training again.

Now this weeks appointment is to see whether I need to get a shunt in the brain. 

It was recognized that for many years now the pressure has bee  building. Along with lack of oxygen, a stroke and seizures I shouldn't really be here. I made irrational decisions with terrible consequences,  loss of memory to the point where I didn't know what's real and not real. Vertigo issues and anger.

I had a lumbar puncture but before the procedure I took a test and failed, done a similar test after and passed. Shows that the pressure is building. One doctor told me he suggests do the surgery as it may take me to a point where I cant walk. There are many factors that are making this tough. It's been tough after the transplant.  For the last 8 years it's been so terrifyingly scary and now this. 

Theres only so much a person can  take. Is this the end or is this another part where I have to fight again. 

I am doing as much as I can in life to a point just in case this is it. I never know anymore.

So until my next appointment on the 2nd September,  be safe,  be careful and be lucky. 

Mark.✌🏼

If you like uk house music, check out my current mix. Click on the link.

Ok so if you dont already know, in my younger years I was a dj. I still have the passion but would rather do it privately than publically although one of my .icing buddies in the eighties was John Digweed, now worth $45M, yeah thanks mate.
So copy and paste this link and tell me what you think. I cant post it as a video because of all the copyright text I'd have to write.
So here's where I store it. Enjoy. It's not perfect but I'm happy! #djmix #remix #tiktok
#tictokmusic #djgig #ukhouse
#hearttransplant #hubbardgrille #haipoke #rooh #columbusohio #cancersurvivor #cancersucks #livelife #theresalwaystime #music #livelifelove #lincolnsocial
#wexnermedicalcenter #clevelandclinic #osurosshearthospital #samashcolumbus

https://mega.nz/file/nghUAAhR#t6HTpbA6Db3Fwjc4p6Y-jG1oqKsbT3k68Lmi59KrKlg

Check up

So I have decided today that I just need to go to OSU for appointments. I have even put healing hearts aside because I feel very let down by the lack of patient care. There 8s not one person on this planet that has not in one way or another sinned. How big or small, not one.

I can not be subject to judgemental looks or comments when going to the Ross heart hospital. This has been the most controversial thing that has ever happened to me. At a time when i am supposed to be focused on living i fall very easily into deep depression. I have many times thought of ending it all because i can not handle anything.

My memory is terrible, not because of age but things have just been erased and it frightens me.

My son needs me but does he really?

He has matured so quickly and grown up because of watching me fight to live. He has also seen the troubled side and the sinner side.

My donor didnt donated their heart for me to throw it away but they allowed me to still make my own decisions. 

My wife would probably fall a part but I feel nothing but a burden to her now.

Sometimes I feel more lost than ever and that's what scares me about death, whether I will feel this way for ever.

I have chronic kidney disease, I have brain issues, so many other things and I'm tired. Mentally and physically. 

I wish I had the answers and I wish I didn't always feel so low.

I can feel so angry 2 hours ago and write stuff then not remember even saying , thinking, or writing anything. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Down in the dumps

Feeling under the weather today. Spent about 4 hours in the cold weather on Sunday collecting toys 4 tots. So I think with a combination of other things and this I'm just groggy.

It helped a little wearing my monkey head!

This was only a small portion and it's not over for a week or so.

Sunday. Day of rest!

Everyday seems like a Sunday. It's hard to focus sometimes on what's going to happen next. I am blessed to be alive but its tough. Mood swings, anxiety, who do i trust why trust anything, trying to be me and on and on. I almost need a break, a big break for me and those i have hurt along the way. I have survivors guilt, guilt of not being there for my family. Not trusting friends, being a person that worries about sins. But if i don't focus then why am i here. I am a good person on the inside to. People sometimes take me the total wrong way and that makes so sad. 

So its Sunday and tomorrow is a new day and new week. Take care and peace....

meeting flyer